If I were a Lego man…



  1. The ‘Smug’ look


The look you give when your child might not sleep through the night, nor ‘self settle’ like the other SMOS’s children, but they have just laughed at their brother’s fart for the first time. Major milestone achieved.

2. The polite smile


Used when someone asks if you’ve tried putting your child to bed later when you comment that they get up between 4 and 5am…(of course I fricking well have)

Also used when a SMOS suggests to a breastfeeding mum on little sleep that she should start using formula so her baby is more ‘satisfied’.

3. The ‘Get your hands off my child’ look



How you look when some little shit floors your child at soft play.

4.The ‘I will do this if it kills me’ look


When you’re bloody determined to prove to the smug mums walking around Asda that you’re 100% in control of your children, and their eyes are deceiving them when they think they see them disco sliding on their knees down every aisle wiping grannies out…

5. The ‘I think I’m so stressed I’m going to die’ look


How you look by the time you leave the house for the school run…

6. Zombified. That is all.


How you look once you’ve returned to the house after doing the school run…

Also applicable for the morning look after doing hourly night feeds….

7. The ‘Well groomed’ and ‘Yummy mummy’ look


How you’d like to look when you just ‘pop’ to Asda child free for a little browse….

8. The ‘Ned Flanders’ look


How you actually look when you just ‘pop’ to Asda child free for a little browse… (Although if I’m being generous perhaps swap facial hair for leg hair)

9. The ‘I’d give anything’ look



What you’d give to be able to have 5 minutes to take a dump on your own…

10. The ‘I’d REALLY give anything’ look


In fact, sod just your right arm, you’d give both.

11. The ‘SWAT team’ look


What you need to wear to separate the chaos when from the other room you hear “I’ll be the red one and you be the blue one” followed by “Those Mighty Morphing Power Rangeeeeeers…”

12. The ‘Ooooooooooh shit’ (literally) look



When your pantless child tells you that they’ve done a poo and they have a pooie bum….but you can’t find the poo itself….

13. The ‘I’m totally the bomb’ look


How you feel when you’re out in public amongst a load of smug mums and your 3 children are behaving impeccably. Living. The. Dream.

14. The ‘I don’t give a shit’ look


When the clocks go back an hour and one of those SMOS posts a status on Facebook saying that it didn’t effect their children’s sleep at all. That’s wonderful for you. And I mean that. Honestly.

And finally….

15. The ‘God DAMN I’m a fricking licking superhero’ look


When you’ve got through the day juggling 3 children single handedly and nobody has died. Yet.






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