Have come to the conclusion that being a toddler is the best age to be, particularly the slot between ages 18 months and 2 years old. Never mind all this ‘not able to express themselves properly’ or ‘must be so hard finding full communication difficult’. All bollocks. They have it all down to a fine art in my opinion…
Here are ten reactions to situations to show that they do in fact rule…
Situation 1. When you don’t agree with what someone says or does.
Adult: Most will listen to someone else’s opinion and respond with a tactful and polite answer or challenge it in a non-confrontational way.
Toddler: Just walk straight up and whack them. No messin, if you don’t like what they say or what they do you just lump them one. Maybe if they’re lucky you begin with a shove, if they don’t get the message within a nano second just punch them.
2. When someone feeds you a food you don’t like.
Adult: smile politely whilst chewing tentatively and swallow asap.
Toddler: Spit it out. Get that poison out of your mouth IMMEDIATELY. Ensure that you follow it up with an extra projection of flob (which usually just dribbles down your chin), whilst doing this, locate the exact person that made it for you, make sure it’s the one who spent hours making the homemade dish, look them straight in the eye and shout ‘That’s disgusting! Yucky, yuck, yuck!’ and finish with one more spit to ensure all is gone.
3. When you wake in the night and your feet are out of the duvet.
Adult: Move the duvet back onto your feet.
Toddler: lie there and scream “Muuuuuuum!’ at the top of your lungs. If they don’t appear within half a second then shout again. Sometimes mix it up with a bit of ‘Dad’ too if there’s no immediate movement. Tell them your feet are cold and they will move the duvet back over them again. No movement from you. No fuss.
4. When you are trying to ‘fix’ or make a toy and it’s not working.
Adult: feels frustrated but will try to stick with it, if still not working perhaps put it down for a bit and walk away to calm themselves.
Toddler: Lob it. Fragile? No bother just chuck it. Get that thing as far away from you as possible, doesn’t matter if it hits someone or something. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
5. When you go to cross the road.
Adult: looks both ways and crosses when safe to do so.
Toddler: Run. Run like the sodding wind across that bad boy, if something’s coming an adult will grab you and save you anyway. Livin’ on the edge and all that.
6. When you’re worn out and don’t want to walk any further.
Adult: Soldiers on regardless and just can’t wait to reach their destination.
Toddler: Sit down and point blank refuse to move. Choose the busiest place possible such as a supermarket aisle or busy pathway. The more people around the more flappy the adult will get. They’ll pick you up and carry you far sooner without going down the road of all that ‘OK I’ll go home without you, Bye!’ crap that we all know is bollocks because they come back for you every time. Every. Single. Time. Winner.
7. When you are out and really hungry.
Adult: Wait until they reach the next opportunity to get some food.
Toddler: Vocalise how hungry you are. The adult will start scrapping around in various bags looking for a snack. If they produce a month old breadstick or rice cake that, let’s face it, you grew out of at least a year ago, don’t accept it. Repeat that you are hungry getting louder and louder until further action is taken, act as if you will literally drop down dead right there and then if not fed immediately. After all, food feeds the brain and we all know that your mum wants a brainy child….
8. When someone buys you a gift you don’t like and you open it in front of them.
Adult: Tries hard to make their fake smile look genuine and thanks the giver, puts a lot of effort to ensure the thoughts of ‘Holy mother of god what is this crap?!’ don’t shine through.
Toddler: You have two options here, you can either open it and just chuck it to one side and walk off to play with something else, OR, you clearly say to the giver ‘Don’t like it’ and then walk off. Either way you put a lot of effort to ensure the thoughts of ‘Holy mother of god what is this crap?!’ definitely shine through. Very. Clearly.
9. When you need to share something.
Adult: Albeit reluctantly, would let someone else have a turn.
Toddler: First of all, you begin with a fleeting look that says ‘Seriously?! What the HELL are you thinking asking me to give this precious thing up to someone else when I’m clearly enjoying myself!?’ You don’t give a DAMN that some other kid fancies a turn, they only want a turn because they can see that you’re having the time of your life with it and want a piece of the action. Hold onto it as tightly as humanly possible then Lose. Your. Shit. It may still be removed, but point made.
10. When there is a bag or room that you’re intrigued by and would love to know what’s inside.
Adult: They may have the opportunity to have a sneaky peak if lucky but 9 times out of 10 will always be left wondering. I mean, we’ve all speculated over exactly what the Queen carries in her handbag…haven’t we??
Toddler: Go wading straight in. Have a right good rummage. If a bag, it’s preferable to get everything out if possible and empty it all over the floor.
If a room just bowl straight in, don’t hesitate or you may give someone the chance to intervene and interject, you don’t have time for that. Leave no stone unturned, after all, you wouldn’t want to miss out on finding that tiny choking hazard to waltz back to your parents with and just stand casually chewing on it in front of them. Cue the fish hook in the mouth.
All in all I’d say that toddlers are the superior humans to adults any day.
Not that my children have ever done any of the above, at any time, as are perfect young pillars of society. Obviously.