Before becoming parents many of us were clear about our children not watching much television. They’d continuously be engaged in a range of activities with wooden toys, craft projects a-plenty, be able to count from an early age because you’d spent so long pottering the garden spotting and totting up wonderful examples of British nature… as I said, BEFORE becoming parents.
Reality is a house full of hideous Vtech toys where your child continuously presses the same button just because they quickly realise it sends you deranged…a house where you hate play doh because it sticks to all clothes and socks and gets trodden all over every carpet you own…a house where your TV is on so much that when it’s not it’s so quiet you swear you can hear voices in your head…or perhaps following the Vtech experiences you actually can.
Childrens television. What a treat. There are too many completely weird programmes out there but feel I need to mention just a few…
- “Me Too”- Think it’s one of the most bizarre yet strangely mesmerising things you’ve ever witnessed? Me too. Think that Lisa and Raymond are the most unlikely couple ever? Me too. Wonder how the HELL Granny Murray was passed by Ofsted to look after children and why the HELL anyone would leave their child with her? Me too. Never trust a woman in her 30s who refers to herself as ‘Granny’. Fact.
- “Balamory”- Full of totally shady characters; PC Plum who hides behind bushes and jumps out to mend your puncture that you just ‘happened’ to get as you cycled past, Archie the Inventor who wears a kilt in a pink castle and sits around ‘inventing’ things out of cardboard boxes and inviting people in to experiment with his creations, Pocket and Sweet who clearly run a drugs business beneath their counter as could never both make a living out of selling one bucket, one tin of sardines, one book and so on… And Miss Hoolie. What in Gods name is going on with her hair??? Never visit Balamory alone or at night. Fact.
- “Bing”- I’m all for diversity and that families come in all shapes and sizes but refuse to believe that Bing came from Flop…unless Bing’s mum was one BIIIIIIIIG MAMMA of a bunny so between the two of them they made Bing, whose size fell between the two. Having picnics or going to the park are not just a “Bing thing”. Fact.
- “Mister Maker”- can he make it in a minute for the ‘Mr Makers Minute Make’? Of course he bloody can because he sticks a bottle lid on a box, a pipe cleaner on the side and calls it a camera. Mister Maker makes tripe. Fact.
One thing that never dies though is a bit of role play. You can be peacefully feeding on the sofa or pottering around minding your own business when you’re suddenly scared shitless as the SWAT Team run in declaring there’s an emergency that needs to be dealt with.
A favourite in our house is good old Fireman Sam. It always amazes me that there are around 10 residents in Pontypandy yet they manage to start a fire on a daily basis. Their main port of call needs to be eradicating Norman Price, that will dramatically cut the frequency of arson ten fold. Totally fascinating that they all wear orthopaedic shoes yet still can’t run properly, insurance in that place must be sky high.
When listened to properly, innuendos are rife; Trevor Evans saying to Dillis Price “I bet you’re looking forward to chomping down on my bbq sausage” (dirty dog) and my personal all time favourite came from Mike Flood- “I’ve been tinkering with your flange joints all morning”. Nice.
Big T and I were upstairs running round before the school run leaving our two youngest boys downstairs. I could hear Middle F calling “Quick Elvis get the hoses, there’s a fire in the kitchen!!” He got no response. When we came downstairs I found he’d recruited the only member of our family left in the house onto his team and Little B was taking his role very seriously…
Then when I came to dress Middle F I realised that his night nappy was so full it had fallen down and was busting through the bottom of his onsie, he turned to me and with a dead pan expression said,
“Mum it’s a big one, I need to call Fireman Sam”
Afterall, Sam is the hero next door…