The Big Move

So one of the biggest issues when you have kids is sleep. How much sleep are you getting? How often do they wake? Are they in your bed? Are you rocking them to sleep? Dummy used? So sleep deprived you haven’t got a bloody ruddy clue what’s going on? And it’s one of the most popular topics people like to comment on to suggest what you should be doing…

I remember saying to the health visitor about Little B that he wakes all the time, as in every hour, sometimes every half an hour, even third time around (forgetting my first two were the same) surely this is not right?? I must have produced a crazy ‘all nighter’ so need an instant fix please, what am I doing wrong??

The HV replied “Oh yes that’s totally normal, you make the best milk at night so your body is sending out pheromones telling your baby to come and drink it.”

Holy. Crap. The bit about making milk I get, but she’s telling me that when I’m fast asleep and unsuspecting my body is silently wafting out scentie stuff that’s actually INVITING him over??? Sweet Mary mother of Jesus, Mother Nature has seriously cocked up here.

Whats this advice about never putting your child down asleep?? Are they actually mad?? If my child falls asleep feeding I will move hell and high water to keep it that way. Can just picture this; baby fast asleep from feeding in your arms, carefully put it down asleep? Hell no! I’ve got balls of STEEL! I’m gonna wake this bad boy up and then put him down awake so when he’s 21 I’m still not breastfeeding him to sleep… (that could actually happen apparently) Or not.

It’s all about the transfer. I think a transfer window in any area of life does open up margin for error. Plane transfers (never done one but guessing they could prove tricky) transferring a fake tattoo onto your arm (backing removal can prove a little challenging) or just transferring a sleeping child anywhere.

I only have the tiniest distance to move him. From my arms/bed to his bed. You have the hot water bottle in to remove at the last minute, a fleece blanket under head so it never feels cold and the white noise app going like mental. I psyche myself up for the ‘big move’….and here we go…lift up…the more you concentrate on not doing it, the more you drop their arms, get your foot caught, need to sneeze and end up with them in their bed with more of a ‘drop’.

Child’s awake and back in your arms feeding again. You go around like this numerous times, the other night I was feeding front right boob as my left was still out from last time, dripping the odd drop of milk as though it was silently shedding a tear for me and my sleep deprived state.

So last night, went for it. Feed over, transfer begun. Take off went quite smoothly, lift up and over and in. He doesn’t move. For the first time in a million years he has stayed in his bed after a night feed, I carefully lay back down scared to move.

After a few seconds I let out a celebratory fart. Sounded like a short, sharp gunshot and my god it had volume. Best kind of fart, lets you know it’s arrived by sound not smell. Little B started to move, I lay dead still thinking I’d blown it (excuse the pun. Boom. Boom)  I’d actually woken him with a fart.

But alas no, he stayed asleep! So I let out a second celebratory fart. Ok to be fair, I didn’t know the second was coming, caught me a little off guard but that’s ok, not as bad as an unexpected poo, they can REALLY rock the boat. Still asleep.

So after two loud farts by his earhole (autocorrect changed that to ‘rathole’ which is a little unnerving) Little B did little more than slightly stir, which leaves me to wonder whether me letting rip is so common to him it’s as uneventful as the white noise app.

I turn over feeling quite smug. It didn’t work with the following night feed and he ended up in bed with us, but for that moment only- Nailed it.


4 thoughts on “The Big Move

  1. Lorna

    Your posts have had me in hysterics this morning. Very very funny! You need someone with 3 girls to do a version too as poo and farts are not yet featuring so heavily in this house!


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